How I found myself and eventually my purpose
Someone told me an analogy of purpose, it’s like having to sign a document and there’s no pen, and if that document doesn’t get signed, you’d lose everything, so you’d bite your finger and draw blood to sign that document.
I have been working on finding my passion, it’s been my homework for a few years, not realizing that there are more issues than just finding my passion: I don’t know what my purpose in life is! Yes, I do have things I want to do in life, or dreams. I even have four main dreams I want to achieve in this life, although at the moment, I’m not even sure that I’d eventually achieve them. And to be honest, I don’t know if I’d be troubled if I don’t achieve them. But I know what I decide to do now will determine what I will do in life. Apparently, there are still many things I haven’t yet found in life, it was as if, I haven’t found myself yet. I couldn’t figure out myself, it’s even written on my blog and twitter: A convoluted girl living in this derelict world – or as every millennial thinks of themselves: A special snowflake.
(Not so many) years ago, I started working after I finished my undergraduate program with a passion to develop people, not just indirectly, but directly see their development: their changes in behavior and knowledge. I didn’t acknowledge it as my passion yet but I knew that it was my mission when I started working. I’d say I was very much influenced by my parents, what with them being a trainer and a lecturer; maybe the fruit really doesn’t fall far from the tree.
During my working years, my big boss, who liked to see people grow, challenged me and asked what my passion was. I wasn’t sure how to answer it, and it took me almost a year to actually answer him. One thing that I always remember him telling me was: your passion doesn’t have to be your profession, but in your profession, you have to find your passion. The next time I talked with him, I told him that my passion is children. I want to join this huge organization that works for children. Again, my boss told me to test my passion, is it really my passion, or just a momentary compassion. Eventually, I found one of my passions was meeting new people. It wasn’t enough, though. If I like meeting people, I can be a taxi driver and meet new people every day. So I dig deeper and realized that I enjoy giving solutions to people, even if it’s just the programs I was selling. Still, I can work as a customer service and be happy, right? Wrong. It took me a few years to make firm my passions: it is to develop people. Sadly, I didn’t get it in my previous workplace.
Having lived more than a couple decades, I know I have many talents, skills and knowledge, maybe more than some people at my age, maybe less, maybe more experience too if I dare to say so. But I haven’t thought of what have I been doing with those? How do I sculpt, mold and form them to achieve my goals in life, let alone my purpose in life? I’d like to blame my upbringing, with a father who exposes me to many opportunities and a mother who never says ‘no’ but usually summarizes the meaning of things that happened. But I don’t like blaming situations especially other people; if I haven’t succeeded, taking course in life, seizing my moments, it’s all because of me.
I thought am complicated, I still think I am, but I maybe made it so myself. And do I think am I the only complicated person in life? Heck, no! Well, okay, maybe sometimes I did. But others are complicated, too, in their own ways, or so I’ve been told.
When people ask, what do you like? I can list out a ten page, back and front of what I like and what I can do. (Ballpark number, I have never done it). But when I was asked, what are you? I clammed up. I don’t know how to describe myself in one sentence, not even one paragraph. I said I am a rather complicated person, convoluted, versatile; I have never been able to describe myself. Do other people easily able to explain themselves? I grew up, believing I am a Jill of all trade, a generalist: good at many things, but not best at one thing. I played billiard every day for one year, but I’m still not an expert. I can play a few musical instruments, but best at none. I love my coffee, but I for the sake of my life, I can’t tell the difference of my Robusta from Arabica. I drew many pictures when I was in high school, but still having trouble in transferring what’s in my head to papers. I write short stories, novels, blogs, but am I an expert, I don’t dare to say so. I painted, I practiced Muay Thai, I like badminton, I established volley club in high school, was the president of the chess club, I do photography, videography, video editing, even deejaying, I cook and love cooking. But there’s nothing that I’m really best at. However, a year ago, I found what really brings me joy; it was when I explained something to someone, and the light bulb above his head was lit, they understood and I was joyful, simple as that. It’s when someone receives aha-moment through my sharing or teaching. Basically when I inspired someone.
I was asked again, how do you find your peace? Peace is not when everything is quiet and calm, peace is when in the middle of the storm you are able to sleep through it all, still enjoy your life. And I replied that with a question, is ‘peace’ what everyone is looking for? Maybe.
So, through all these, what do I want to achieve in life? What is my purpose? How do I use what I have in life?
I do believe that everything happened for a reason. I talked with an old family friend, who told me that all the things his wife did, enabled her to build a great organization that aligns with their passions. I said, sure, it’s easy when you’re at a certain age and you can look back and see how things turned out how they supposed to, but I’m at the age where whatever I decide will determine my future. I am lucky enough that my Asian parents aren’t as pushy as some other parents who insisted on their children being excellent since a very young age.
I have been learning a lot these past couple weeks. It’s like God is trying to tell me something. I’ve met and talked with amazing people who gave me great insights. And they got overwhelming and I had to write them down. I didn’t realize I’m at the age where I can already look back at what I have and done to decide what I want and have in the future.
Again, what is my purpose in life?
I like seeing people grow and be better in many aspects of life, be it professionally, emotionally, even spiritually. It brings me joy when someone receives his/her aha moment. I like to be inspiring (or maybe become a blessing for others, as I have prayed for so many times). Maybe that’s my purpose? To bring out the best out of someone. The how is my homework.